The struggle with emotional eating and how to get better
A few years ago, I had the privilege of being interviewed alongside one of my patients — I'll call her Anna — on the Feeling Good Podcast with Dr. David Burns. Anna had come to me struggling with depression, anxiety, and a difficult transition back to the United States after 13 years of living abroad. She was feeling stuck, angry, and hopeless, and coping by binging on her favorite comfort foods.
She had tried therapy before. In fact, she described a previous therapist as having "the empathy of a prison guard." When she came to me, she was understandably skeptical.
What made the difference? It wasn't a clever technique or the right worksheet. It started with something much simpler — and much harder: actually listening, and then doing something counterintuitive with what I heard.
"The most common cause of therapeutic failure isn't the wrong method. It's trying to help before you've addressed why a part of your client doesn't want to change."
The trap most therapists fall into
When a patient is suffering, the natural impulse — for any caring human, and especially for therapists — is to fix it. To offer solutions, challenge distorted thoughts, assign exercises. But here's what I've learned: jumping straight to solutions, before a client is truly ready, almost always backfires.
That's because most of us are deeply ambivalent about change. We want relief, but we're also attached to what's familiar — even when what's familiar is painful. The Jesuit mystic Anthony DeMello captured it beautifully: we yearn for change but cling to the familiar.
In TEAM-CBT, the approach developed by Dr. Burns that I use in my practice, this ambivalence isn't treated as a problem to overcome. It's treated as something to explore — and even honor.
Finding the hidden gifts in painful feelings
With Anna, one of the most powerful moments came when we slowed down and looked at what her depression, anxiety, shame, and hopelessness were actually doing for her. Not what was wrong with them — but what was right about them.
Her depression and grief at leaving her life abroad? They showed how deeply she cared about her work and the people around her. Her anger? It revealed how much she'd given to others — and that she deserved to set limits and advocate for herself. Even her hopelessness carried meaning.
Anna told me later that this reframe was a "positive shock to the system." Her symptoms began to lift even before we started working directly on her negative thoughts — because she no longer felt at war with herself.
When food becomes the coping strategy
For Anna, emotional pain had a very specific outlet: food. When the depression deepened, she found herself turning to comfort foods — not out of weakness, but because eating was one of the few things that brought momentary relief.
This is more common than most people realize. Emotional eating isn't about lack of willpower. It's about unmet emotional needs finding an outlet. Food is reliable, immediate, and soothing — and when we're overwhelmed, the pull toward it can feel almost impossible to resist.
What helped Anna wasn't shaming herself out of it or white-knuckling through cravings. It was understanding the thoughts that quietly preceded each urge — the rationalizations, the emotional triggers, the split-second mental negotiations that happen just before reaching for food. Once those patterns became visible, she had something to actually work with.
This is the kind of gentle, curious unpacking that I find most effective with clients who struggle with emotional eating. Not a diet plan. Not willpower coaching. But real insight into what's happening beneath the surface — and tools to respond differently when the urge arises.
What this means for you
If you've ever felt like therapy "didn't work," or like you were trying to change but something kept pulling you back — whether that's anxious thoughts, low mood, or a complicated relationship with food — you're not broken. You may simply have been missing this step.
Real change rarely comes from fighting our difficult feelings into submission. It comes from understanding why they showed up in the first place — and what they're trying to protect.
That's the kind of work I do with clients at Choice Point Counseling. If you're feeling stuck, I'd love to talk.
